The Control Freak is Losing Control

I never really considered myself a control freak, but I really think I am one. I have this idea of how I'd like life to be and how I'd like things to happen, but just haven't quite mastered the fine art of achieving those things. I was raised with the "new thought movement" concept (which includes the laws of attractions) but have really failed on that. I sometimes find it so hard to get out of my own way, and my own way just might be self-sabotaging.

So here I am at the beginning of my fifth decade (I can't even believe that) and am pretty much where I said I'd NEVER be when I was in my late teens and early 20s. I have dreams and goals, yet seem unable to find the way to achieve them. I've tried many avenues and then when they don't work (maybe immediately - yeah, I'm not famous for my patience), I drop that and try the next thing, and then, I'm in the beginning of my fifth decade with what? A bitchy attitude if nothing else.

Rumor has it that as a child I could throw some major tantrums. I don't necessarily recall that, but I do know I'm more than capable of that now. I think the reason for these "tantrums" is really based on lacking control of things in my life and instead of stepping back to rethink, I jump into childhood tantrum mode. That helps, right?

So, why do I feel a bit out control lately? First of all my mom and her early stages of dementia. I can't control that, nor can I bring my mom back, the mom that raised me. I know it is still her and she is still as kind and caring as always, yet she now struggles with her words and doesn't always have the ability to express herself. That just really kills me.

My sister is having a  medical issue that I can't control. I just want to be optimistic and I want her to be whole and better ASAP! I really understand the whole life thing, but, it can be challenging when it hits home. In a perfect world this stuff doesn't happen.

I'm trying to figure out how the hell to organize my life so that I can do things creatively and get out there and sell my stuff. That isn't happening. I try to promote myself and others, but that sometimes just seems to be a waste of time. I also try to promote stuff on my (possibly useless) FB "fan" page and generally, I'm the only one that "likes" or comments on my posts. Therefore, when I try to promote myself and others, and basically feel overlooked, I tend to regress to that little girl that would throw temper tantrums and probably I alienate the world!

My take on it is that if I'm going to play the game, and that seems to include creating these things called "Treasuries", I do it. What I just seem to have a real hard time with is how many Esty sellers, especially those on my that I include in these treasuries, have absolutely no desire to even view or comment on them. I joined a team and part of being on that team requries creating these little hard to pull together gems on a regular basis. I do it, and I admit, I'm not gifted with creating "pretty" treasuries, but I try. What I've noticed is that many of my team members just don't find it necesarry to comment when I notify them that I've included them and I'm kind of at a point where I just wonder what the hell am I doing. Why do I bother. I do notice that the older team members are very good about it and very supportive.

Surely this sounds so stupid to those of you that don't have an Etsy shop or don't create these treasuries. It really seems that it has gotten to the point where creating a treasury and/or being featured in one, is ONLY about how PRETTY it is and it's potential to make the FRONT PAGE. Period. Making the front page is great exposure, true, but from what I've heard, it hasn't necessarily brought sales.Maybe if one of my goofy treasuries made the damn front page, the silent shops would then comment. Yes, I'm annoyed and probably annoying, but I just really wonder what these shop owners think. But I suppose in the "big picture" this really doesn't matter. What really matters is my mom and my sister and their quality of life.

So after my latest temper tantrum (how many times have I said that in this post?), I decided to take a vacation from Etsy and today I spent time with my mom and researching the family tree. I took a trip to the Orange County, California, Hall of Records to pull the marriage certificate of my grandmother's first cousin. He apparently was a rather abusive husband (well not apparently, really, as I have a copy of the divorce record). My intention to was to find his wife's maiden name in hopes of finding her living relatives. I now have her maiden name and tonight have been doing some research, but it isn't coming together as easily as I'd hoped. I did find someone to reach out to and we'll just have to see. I hope it is a connection.